That lay-off and being a stay-at-home dad was the beginning of the darkest season of my life. Not being a dad, or taking care of the house…it was the despair I felt for making the change and it not working out how I thought it would.
It was quite some time before I started to see light through the clouds. Existence doesn’t even really describe how I felt. Sure, I loved spending those days with our youngest and being there for the other kids before and after school. My honey was working in the dental industry and we were doing OK.
But my craving for numbness was increasing, and when it reaches levels like that, you even amaze yourself at how low you will go to satisfy it!
I look back at it now and realize that God still had His hand upon my life…protecting me from myself and my stupidity!
I did get a break and was accepted into plumbing school. It was a good thing, the chance I needed to turn things around. I breezed through the classes and then got hired on with a very elite contractor before I was even finished with the school. But I was still self medicating my fog. I celebrated getting my new job by smoking a joint with my instructor (after passing my drug test-which I used home remedies to even do)!
I cut my finger on the job and got put on light duty back at the office. That’s when the spiral of the storm clouds came to a head. Life at home was volatile, (check out here for my Honey’s telling of it), we were sinking fast!
God had a plan though.
We are told in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have”–this is the Lord’s declaration–“plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (emphasis mine). And also over in Psalm 139:16 “Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began.” (emphasis mine).
I got a glimpse of that hope as the world was crashing in around me and we were losing most everything we had…but “a future and a hope“? what did that mean…I’d gotten so far away from God, why would He want me back?
We’ll explore that next time!