Depression? Really? One Shepherd’s journey…{Number 9, number 9}

Sorry, just had to use the ‘Number 9’ reference in this title…it wasn’t even my favorite Beatles song, and no, I’ve never listened to it backwards! It was just a random thing floating around in my brain!

“Salesmen” have that you know…random things in there head so they can make the sale. They know how to hook you. They read you better than a book. It’s a gift of observation and the ability to mix it with just enough BS to make the deal sound sweet…

When you get to a point in your life when you are selling to yourself, and convincing yourself of things that make no sense…you end up in a dark place…all by yourself.

In my last post I mentioned the cleaning that God had started doing in me. When that begins, it feels good. It’s a fresh start. It’s new and exciting. And for someone who was so used to self medicating my own problems, it can be a bit scary too.

When you are selling to yourself, you learn to be very guarded. Very protective. Sure, you can play the parts well. Any good “salesman” is also a good actor. It allows you to keep a safe distance and gives you a pathway out if needed.

The real trouble within begins when you refuse to let go of those things God is asking you to surrender. You begin to bargain with the Creator…not a wise move…He’s not “sold” on anything!

I was working through this new found realization and my new life, but never really dealt with things until they came to a head. Then I’d agree to work on things but it never really took root. I wasn’t fully committed to it…I was still keeping my guard up. I guess, as I look back now, I’ve been doing that for the better part of the past 19 years. Three steps forward, two steps back kinda thing.

Oh, and I was not going to get on meds to help me out! As a former addict, I could not do that again; be dependent on a chemical to get me through. NO! I am Man! Hear me grunt! See me scratch!

There was a time about 12 – 13 years ago I did try something at my doctors recommendation. But after awhile I thought, “Wait!, I’m a believer, I’m a Christian! I’m supposed to be dependent on God and Christ to get me through the hard times!” So I quit taking them. He wasn’t too happy with me, but things at that time were going pretty well.

Many people think that being in ministry is a relatively kicked back, easy going gig. It is rewarding and fulfilling, yes. But it has its trials and struggles.

This blog is about the musings, thoughts, and experiences (and some occasional random crap) of a small church pastor…it’s right there in the title! (you just looked didn’t you?)

So as I wrap up this series in the next couple days, I plan on hitting on some of those things that have added to my process…my journey…

Stay tuned…

Well–Good Day!

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